Full-Time Merge Conflict Resolver · Part-Time Security Risk
- Synergistic frameworks leveraged to amplify multi-cloud stakeholder engagement.
- Cross-functional ecosystems aligned through real-time agile pivoting.
- Scalable disruption deployed across mission-critical verticals.
- Disrupting CI/CD with L.O.L. (Layers of Latency)
- Global VP of D.E.A.D. (Distributed Event-Driven Asynchronous DevOps)
- Co-founder of BugsyChain™, the first AAA-compliant (Absolutely Absent Accountability) blockchain that stores your regrets on-chain.
- Ex-Lead SDET at 404 Foundry, where I pioneered F.A.I.L. (Fully Abstracted Interface Layers).
- C.P.P. – Constant Pointer Panic
- J.A.V.A. – Just Another Verbose Abomination
- T.S. – TypeScript but somehow still wrong
- P.Y.T.H.O.N. – People Yapping That Handling Objects is “Natural”
- G.I.T. – Generalized Incompetence Tracker
- Built a R.A.G. system (Retrieval-Augmented Gaslighting) that fabricates research papers with fake citations to real-sounding professors
- Trained an LLM using Jira tickets and Slack messages. It now suffers from burnout and imposter syndrome
- Created PromptPal™, the first AI tool that writes prompts for other AI tools, recursively, until your GPU melts
- Fine-tuned a language model on Reddit comments. It’s now very opinionated and slightly toxic
- Built a text classifier that thinks everything is spam. Honestly? Not wrong.
- Architected O.P.S.E.C.K.S. (Overly Paranoid Security Everything Config Kernel Suite™)
- Implemented 4FA. The fourth factor is a vibe check
- My firewall rule once blocked the entire dev team. QA said it was my best feature
- Accidentally tokenized all staging passwords. They now trade at $0.03 on PancakeSwap
- Implemented MFA by forcing team to physically find me for access
- Senior Quantum Bit Flipper @ WhatTheFlip Systems™ – led a team that may or may not exist
- Head of Code Smell Management @ FebrezeJS™
- VP of API Monetization via ASCII Art @ HTTPunks™
- Co-founder of RugHub, the first DAO-powered platform that lets you rug yourself.
- Previously led the development of PonziChain, a Layer-7 blockchain built entirely in React hooks.
- Implemented K.A.R.M.A. (Kubernetes At Random Moments Automation) – now banned in 2 orgs
- Survived 16 sprints without delivering anything functional
- Voted "Most Likely To Rebase Into Oblivion" by my team
- Said “let’s pivot” in a standup and caused a full reorg
- Mentored an intern into quitting tech
- Emotionally unavailable in merge requests
- Endorsed on LinkedIn by my burner account.
- Commented with “// TODO: fix this when it matters”
- Technically correct, emotionally unstable
Don’t. I’m currently negotiating with the TypeScript compiler about what's “actually” assignable.